Nurses Share The Funniest Things They've Heard Patients Say

If you’ve ever been in an emergency room, for any reason, chances are, you’ve run into something or someone you may have not been prepared for.

Whether it’s a guy who stumbles in at 4 am after a bar scuffle, or an unruly patient who’s had too much to drink, it’s the wonderful nurses who are forced to deal with these situations.

As you’d expect, thousands of nurses take to Reddit to share stories about their ridiculous interactions with patients.

For your reading pleasure, we’ve assembled the strangest, most unbelievable accounts of nurses who witnessed patients saying the most ridiculous things imaginable.

Here are true stories from nurses who experienced utter insanity when dealing with their patients (and tried their best not to lose it!)

1. Is His Brain Still There?

Unsplash @Priyanka Singh

After putting a few stitches in a middle-aged guy’s scalp, the family asked if he was OK. The attending joked that his brain was still inside.

The family were stunned by this news.

I, the medical student, spent the next half hour informing the family that the brain was inside the skull and that a person couldn’t live without one.

They thought that the “brain was just a turn of phrase to reflect a person’s common sense rather than an actual organ.

Sort of the same as what they thought about the “heart.”

2. And Now You Get Catheterized!

Freepik @drobotdean

An orthopedic patient had had surgery during the day. I had him on the p.m. shift, and he was struggling to pee.

His doctor ordered him to be catheterized by 8 p.m. if he couldn’t urinate. At 7:30 p.m., he proudly showed me his urinal with sufficient output.

Just as I was about to go home he called me back in. He was in misery and confessed it was apple juice. Guess who got a catheter?

3. “I Have Demons In My Scrotum”

Unsplash @Ibrahim Al Jarushi

I go in to see the patient (an elderly man with congestive heart failure), and ask him why he is in the hospital. He says “

I have demons in my man pouch.” I attempt to get a medical history but he only gets to the Korean War before he falls asleep and we start over again.

He insists on starting at the beginning and always nods off at the Korean War.

After 3 attempts I give up and start the physical exam. Among other things, his pouch is swollen to the size of a bowling ball.

4. My Baby Ain’t A Salad!

Freepik @rawpixel

When a patient was having a hard time pushing the baby out, we had to use forceps. The patient saw them and screamed “Those are salad tongs!

You are not putting any kitchenware in there!”

I had to hold my laugh and explained to her how it works and that everything will be fine.